Listen with care, protect unity, and keep Jesus central.
The early Church navigated difficult disagreements. We shouldn’t be surprised when they arise in our groups, too.
People bring real questions, experiences, hurts, and convictions into community. Making room for honest conversation matters. So does guiding that conversation in a way that protects people and keeps our shared purpose in view.
As a shepherd, you can help your group listen well and remain united in Jesus—even when people disagree.
Decide whether the conversation will help your group
You don’t need to open every polarizing topic for group discussion. Consider whether your group can listen respectfully and whether the conversation will help people follow Jesus and care for one another.
Our Group Agreement keeps political debates and divisive arguments out of group. You can acknowledge how an event is affecting someone without opening a debate about competing positions.
You might say:
“I hear that this has been weighing on you. Can you help us understand how it’s affecting you and how we can care for you, without turning this into a debate?”
If you don’t believe the conversation can remain constructive, redirect it. You have permission to stop an unhealthy conversation.
Set expectations before going further
Explain that the purpose is to understand and care for one another. While someone shares, ask others to listen without interrupting, rebutting, or preparing their response.
Make these expectations clear:
Speak from your own experience rather than assuming others’ motives.
Listen to understand.
Avoid accusations, ridicule, and demeaning language.
Give others room to contribute.
Respect the leader’s direction when it is time to pause or move on.
You might say:
“If we talk about this, we need to listen without trying to win each other over. We can be honest about what we’re carrying while treating one another with care.”
Listening does not mean endorsing every statement. If someone becomes disrespectful or targets another person, intervene rather than allowing the behavior to continue.
Pause a conversation that is becoming unhealthy
Watch for interruptions, rising hostility, repeated arguments, or comments that dismiss or demean people.
Respond calmly and clearly:
“I know this matters deeply to many of us, but this conversation is no longer moving in a helpful direction. Let’s pause. We’re here to follow Jesus and care for one another, and we need to protect that.”
If someone has been hurt, acknowledge it. Offer to follow up personally rather than asking the group to resolve everything in the moment.
You can pause the discussion, pray, and seek guidance from your coach or Anna before deciding what comes next.
Redirect gossip and speculation
Sharing a personal concern is different from repeating rumors, assigning motives, or inviting others to criticize someone who isn’t present.
When concerns about church leadership or another person arise, listen without joining in speculation.
You might say:
“Thank you for telling me this is concerning you. I don’t want us to guess about someone’s motives or discuss details we can’t verify. Let’s connect with someone who can help address the concern.”
For ordinary questions or misunderstandings, help the person connect with the appropriate leader. You may offer to help arrange the conversation or attend as support.
Seeking appropriate help, raising a legitimate concern, or reporting harm is not gossip. Concerns about abuse, threats, or safety should follow When to Contact Anna. Do not require someone to confront the person involved before receiving help.
Emphasize unity over agreement
Your group does not need to reach the same conclusion on every issue to remain united in Jesus.
Remind people of what you share: a commitment to follow Jesus, love one another, and help others experience His transforming work.
Ask:
“How can we honor Jesus in the way we respond?”
“What would loving one another look like here?”
“Is there a practical way we can pray, serve, or care for someone affected?”
The pain and brokenness around us can stir compassion and move us toward faithful action. Help your group respond with prayer, care, and a renewed commitment to sharing the hope of Jesus.
Unity also requires honesty and accountability. It should never become a reason to ignore harm or silence someone who needs help.
Follow up after the conversation
Check in with anyone who seemed hurt, unsettled, or unheard. Ask how they experienced the conversation and listen without defending every decision you made.
If someone crossed a boundary, speak privately about the behavior and its effect on the group. Revisit the Group Agreement when shared expectations need clarification.
Contact your coach or Anna if the tension continues or you need help planning a response.
You have support
Thank you for shepherding your group with compassion, wisdom, and courage. These conversations can be difficult, and you don’t have to navigate them alone.
If you need help thinking through a situation, email me. I’d also love to sit down over coffee and talk it through.
Anna Thomas
anna@relevantcommunity.org