I know it’s the beginning of the New Year and I ought to be writing about something hopeful and peppy maybe but I know I cannot be the only person here in 2020 that feels a little bit sad. Because as the ball dropped and people all around the world welcomed the next three hundred and sixty five days with fireworks, toasts and celebrations I was sitting on my couch feeling no different than I had 10 seconds earlier. I still felt lost, heartbroken and confused.

We recently did a pretty crazy thing in Peringer household. We invited two other adults, two toddlers, and a puppy to join our family that is comprised of three under the age of four, myself and my husband, and a rambunctiously, sweet six month old black lab. Now before you start to assume that we must have a guest house in the back, a finished basement, or at least a large guest suite, let me shoot down all of those assumptions: Nope! No, we don’t. We have none of that. Our basement is half finished, we have one bathroom between us, AND our home is 960 square feet. Yup. We. Crazy.

You don’t have to look too deep into our culture to recognize an ever increasing climate of outrage, suspicion and disunity. It’s everywhere now. And it’s not limited to political spheres or social media anymore. These sentiments are being echoed in our kitchens, the grocery stores, playgrounds, PTA groups, and even in our churches. It’s obvious. We are at odds with one another.

I almost rushed past it. I had sat down for the first time in a couple weeks to read my Bible and spend time with Jesus. To be honest, even if it weren’t for all the traveling and summer activities that had been keeping me busy, I still had been struggling with feeling pretty detached and dry. I hadn’t read my Bible in weeks.

There I was. Standing in my bathroom; one of the few places I could find solitude. As a mama of three toddlers I have learned that in order to get alone time, I have to be a little creative. I was there because I had started to feel an ache again. An ache to pursue a dream that had been on my heart for years. But here’s the rub, I felt conflicted. Wasn’t my family supposed to get everything from me? Wasn’t I supposed to be there for them completely? How could I devote myself to them and pursue something else?