In response to recent events and racial tensions, Lorrie Williams—one of Relevant's volunteer leaders and social media team members—felt compelled to courageously share her experience and a few words of wisdom for all of us to consider…
The first time I realized I was a racist, I was 22. It was 1985 and I had just moved back to Texas. I needed to renew my driver’s license, so I went to the DMV, which is never fun under the best of circumstances! When I opened the door, I realized several things all at once—I wasn’t going to get out of there any time soon, the place had terrible signage and it was the epitome of everything you hear about DMVs. There were multiple lines for multiple licenses, tests, registrations, etc. I was completely confused about where to go for what I needed and started to look around for someone to ask. After looking for several minutes, the question dawned on me, “This place is FULL of people! Why can’t I find anyone to ask?” And to my horror, the answer came right to me, “Because you’re looking for someone white.”
As I write this it brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t want to be a racist. I never, ever had thought of myself as a racist. I had several friends at the time who were various shades of brown, from a variety of racial, ethnic and minority groups and I was proud of that. I was SO accepting (sarcasm).
This was the day I started to actively fight my personal battle with racism.
The first way I did that was to call it what it was. I was a racist, but I didn’t want to stay one. And to clarify, I am and was more of a “covert” racist. I was always polite, I had never to my knowledge, set out to intentionally do any sort of harm to anyone because of the color of their skin, but covert racism is neither innocent or harmless. In retrospect, I understand that the biases and pre-suppositions I held affected my actions more than I realized. So, I actively began to try to mentally “catch” those biases and subtle thoughts. I began to try to call them out, recognize them and act in direct contradiction to what my biases were telling me. For instance, at the DMV that day, I immediately tapped the shoulder of the woman of color standing in front of me and asked her if she could please tell me which line I needed to be in for a driver’s license. She was very helpful, friendly and knew exactly where I should go. I walked away from that entire experience ashamed of myself. But, in the future, I rooted around for those kinds of thoughts and acted against them in any way I could.
The second way I began to fight my racism was to seek out people of color. If I was going to be meeting new people in my new state, I thought that I might as well try to battle racism by getting to know and love some people who have more pigment melanin than I do. I realized as I started to do this, that I was a little bit scared. I was scared I would say or do the wrong thing and somehow offend someone. Even this is racism. Why? Because that’s not my first thought when I approach another white person! Again, so ashamed of myself. But, ashamed or not, I did it anyway. One day, after approaching a person of a different race at church and having a great conversation with them, I realized I was feeling quite proud of myself for what I did. “Look at me! I’m so progressive!” Again, so ashamed, but I continued to fight.
The third thing I did was to start telling people the story of the incident at the DMV and about my newly found awareness of my “unintentional” racism. I would then go on to explain that I think we’re ALL racists to some extent, many of us covertly, and that we must be proactive in fighting our biases. People looked at me like I was crazy, were horrified to hear me freely admit that I had racial biases and really not happy to be told that they were likely a racist, too! This method wasn’t helping anybody! So, I decided that although it was not super helpful to call people out on their racism, I COULD tell MY story. I’m pretty sure no one thought more highly of me when I did, but I sincerely hope that at least some people realized that they too might be covert racists and began to take notice of their own biases.
Skip forward a few decades. Unfortunately, I still find covert racist thoughts and ideas hiding in the shadowy corners of my mind. I am still fighting internal biases. I still catch thoughts that truly horrify me. I still wish I had more friends of color and I prayed for years for God to give me at least one black friend (which is harder than it sounds in Nebraska.) Then, I started to wonder if praying that was racist. So, I stopped praying for a black friend and started praying that I would BE a friend to people who are black, or brown, or whatever shade of skin God gave them.
I’m in the fight. I’m not doing it perfectly. I still have far to go and that sometimes feels daunting and embarrassing, but I will continue to listen and learn. I don't want to just be "not racist"...I want to be anti-racist. I want to use my voice anywhere and everywhere I can, because what happens to people of color BREAKS THE HEART OF GOD and it should and does break my heart, too. Some days, I can’t wait to get to heaven when I will naturally and completely delight, as God does, in the diversity and beauty of every nation, every tribe and every tongue, without even the tiniest, most minuscule hint of superiority in my thoughts.
Lastly, I’m quite sure I’ve said some things that are wrong in this article. I guarantee I used some sort of language or said something that is offensive to someone, somewhere. But I’m still going to use my voice, weak though it may be and full of fear that I won’t do it “right.” Feel free to comment below or send me a message on social media. I welcome the opportunity to learn from those of you who are doing this better, who have experienced racism or those who, like me, are learning to use their one little voice to say big and important things.
"Learning is hard. Unlearning is harder. Pretending that most of us don’t need to do either when it comes to racism is its own form of violence." - Brene Brown